Shamanic Delta Wave "Dream"

י"א באייר תשס"ז

In my previous entry I wrote regarding waking from a dream journey (to a dark deep peaceful place from which no one returns) with a significant experience of sleep inertia lasting well over an hour. The magnitude of the sleep inertia I experienced suggests that the dream I had was no typical dream of REM sleep. The dream of the dark deep peaceful place from which no one returns was more likely some type of shamanic soul journey occurring during the phase of slow wave sleep characterized by delta waves and typically, no dreaming. One reason no one ever returns from that dark deep peaceful place (as I was told during the soul journey) may be that most people do not "dream" in this place of delta wave sleep. Perhaps more importantly, not only did I delta dream, but I delta dreamt and returned with detail recall of the delta dream.

I think this evidences a pivotal shift in consciousness - to be mindfully aware during delta wave brain activity, to dream and to return with memory and recall of what one's awareness may observe there. Wow.

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From Where No One Has Returned Before

י' באייר תשס"ז

I dreamt.

Within a portion of the dream, I was out on the deep dark sea located in a very hidden enchanted place, floating on something very flat like a raft. Even though I knew I was deep out at sea, mystical things were present like might be found in a cave graveyard of sunken treasure ships. I was alone, yet not alone.

The presence with me spoke in my mind, telling me that I was in a place from which no one who had ever come here had ever returned. No one had ever returned from this place. But, I wasn't afraid. I knew I was going to return. I was made to return. It was beyond the realm of the possible that I would be like just another sunken treasure ship. I would eventually move on from here.

I was completely fearless. The place was darkly enchanting, even peaceful. I wasn't afraid of the dark creatures who haunted the smooth still waters beneath the surface upon which I floated.

Renewed by the mystic peacefulness like an embrace which shuts out sensory overstimulation (an autistic would understand), I had to move on. There were still things to do. The dream moved on to another place, back to civilization, and to another scene in another story.

I woke up. With a deep case of sleep inertia. Nevertheless, I woke up and physically returned to normal awareness within an hour or so.

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Autism & Rectifying The Will

A question was recently asked of me regarding autism, and part of my reply pertained to autism's link to the will (ratzon). This source in will distinguishes the angry outbursts of autistics from those who have bipolar disorder, who are primarily struggling with emotional balance. This was my reply, in part, to the question asked of me on the matter:

In bipolar disorder, the way I understand it, emotional balance is the issue. In autism, the battle isn't "sourced" in the emotions, it is sourced in the "will" of the person. Autism is a totally different ballgame than bipolar disorder. Bipolars are battling with emotions. Autistics are battling with will, which sometimes has fallout into the emotions. I also think that's why - particularly if one looks at an autistic who is not high functioning - the angry outbursts are very forceful -> this is because of the force of its origin is in the will (ratzon) rather than the middot.

In my mind then, the issue of autism is sourced in keter. In contradistinction, the issue of bipolar disorder is sourced in the middot.

Autism & Rectifying The Middot

Autism / Tzav Letzav

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Autism & Rectifying The Middot

In an earlier post I wrote:

This is important to understand when dealing with anger management to realize how one is able to effectively deal with the intense negative energy born of frustration. Clearly, in my case, my life experience demonstrates that my "S" function is an ineffective tool for dealing with anger issues for me, an INTJ with a moderate "J" function. That may be different for other personality types. Moreover, again considering myself as an example, my weak "S" function cannot be effectively integrated into my overall personality through nursing, a task-set which augments and supports an internal anger response over redirecting "angry" energy.

Today, I began to understand why this is true regarding my "S" function - not only from a personality perspective, but from a perspective which also takes into account the autistic tendencies of my personality as described in this post, Tzav Letzav.

As a high-functioning individual on the autistic spectrum, I also have sensory integration dysfunction, described in this excerpt from wiki:

Sensory Integration Dysfunction is a neurological disorder causing difficulties with processing information from the five classic senses (vision, auditory, touch, olfaction, and taste), the sense of movement (vestibular), and/or the positional sense (proprioception)[1]. Sensory information is sensed normally, but perceived abnormally. This is not the same as blindness or deafness because sensory information is sensed but tends to be analyzed by the brain in an unusual way that may cause pain or confusion [2].

Sensory integration dysfunction can be a disorder on its own, but it can also be a characteristic of other neurological conditions, including autism spectrum disorders ...

This additional data supports the idea that the path to perfecting the middot is highly individualized. Importantly, perhaps beyond a few general guidelines, it may even be harmful to approach rectifying the middot using a general one-size-fits-all strategy, and as a teacher, without any deep understanding of the student.

Autism & Rectifying The Will

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Tzav Letzav

tzav letzav, kav lakav, ze’er sham, ze’er sham ... Kabbalah & Telepathy

The autistic spectrum is biologically related to the schizophrenic spectrum. In other words, those with diagnosed autism also tend to have family members somewhere in the family tree with some form of diagnosed schizophrenia [1]. Though autism and schizophrenia are biologically linked, they are not the same thing. Moreover, those with autism generally do not tend to also have schizophrenia, either psychotic or non-psychotic. This suggests that despite the probable genotypic link between the two (autism and schizophrenia), phenotypic expression (if it is expressed at all) is predominantly driven toward one over the other, where phenotypic expression of one attenuates phenotypic expression of the other.

I have autistic features to my personality; I have some form of high-functioning autism. I have a (maternal) first cousin who has schizophrenia and 2 distant (paternal) cousins who have schizophrenia as well. My cousins have all had "psychotic" experiences; i.e., "altered wakeful states of frightening visual awareness". I haven't ever, except maybe once when I was a small child. Importantly, this I think, supports the idea that the genetic path both autism and schizophrenia share is directed toward one or the other phenotypic expression.

The only psychotic-like "vision" I had as a child (at about 3-4 years of age [2], I'd estimate) involved my parents and my brother. I "turned away" in my mind [3] (and literally physically as well) from the vision, clinging to "my connection" and real remembrance of that Divine to guard me from something "not quite right" in my mind, literally (with my mind and mouth [4]) "speaking" it away (as I did somewhat similarly as an adult in this "angel of death" experience of sleep paralysis). In some way, I think I discerned that the vision was "not real" and rejected that kind of "altered state" of consciousness. Perhaps, for me at least, this childhood experience was the pivotal point where my fate became to develop autistic tendencies as opposed to psychotic schizophrenia. Interestingly, only early infantile autism is associated with rare psychotic or near-psychotic (but not schizophrenic) hallucinations [1]. Hallucinations tend to be rare among the population on the autistic spectrum.

I think the interconnection of autism and schizophrenia makes accurate recognition and diagnosis more challenging for those working in the psychiatric field. It also makes misdiagnosis more likely to occur.

Kabbalistically, regarding autism, it has been written:

"During the period of gestation, as various higher vehicles of psyche and spirit are gradually brought into alignment with the body, the consciousness of the person about to be incarnated hovers about the embryo. At first the relationship is quite flexible, which is one reason why miscarriages can occur almost without noticing. Later as the psyche begins to fuse into the physical organism, the bond grows stronger. Some people dimly recall this period and many, under hypnosis, remember quite clearly floating around in their mother, fully aware of their own and her feelings about the coming birth. Most people are pleased to make the association; but others, it has been noted, would rather not and retreat. This can lead to spontaneous abortions or Down's syndrome children, who in wishing to remain discarnate, retard the normal process of gestation at the genetic level. The same may be said for autistic children, who almost complete the process, but who have not quite come into full incarnation." [5]

From this we can see, that autism results from a (ס) supported desire not to "fall (נ) completely" into incarnation. In other words, an autistic person (נס) is betwixt two worlds - both in this lowest world and yet, out of this lowest world at the same time. in velt ouis velt

references & footnotes:

[1] Loners, The Life Path Of Unusual Children, Sula Wolff

[2] the age that this visual hallucination occurred in my life (and how I learned to crawl) supports the idea that my personality peculiarities are of an autistic nature, as the "onset" of autism generally occurs around or before age 3

[3] Kabbalah & Telepathy, see tzav letzav - the ability to set a boundary and to act on reality through thoughts

[4] medaberet, a speaking spirit

[5] Psychology and Kabbalah, Z'ev ben Shimon Halevi

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A Mystery Of Consciousness

For a thousand years in Thy sight are but as yesterday when it is past, {N} and as a watch in the night.
Tehilim 90:4

Rite Of Serach - Eternal Memory
the mesorah was given to Serach
Yalkut Shim'oni 64



My remembering is eternal [1]. My memory [2] doesn't "begin" when I was a young child. My memory doesn't "begin" at all. I have "seen" [3] the whole of my existence - like the rough draft of a story unfolding from some elemental [4] core level of existence. This core existence was one of simultaneous being and becoming in flux. It was a pure undistinguishing protoawareness with an ever-connected unknowable yet only knowable "tail" into that absolutely ineffable [5] and as yet unmanifest. This nascent consciousness was without materiality [6], and was somewhere "in between" being ineffable and "yet nothing yet". It was an "acting without object" and a "moving against nothing". From the act of "undistinguishing doing of determined trying" [7] was generated a change from quasi-passive projection to active reflection, and to protocuriosity and protowondering -> further generating a "state of gathering" [8] an impression [9] of awareness together into a unified state [10] of "almost". This unified state of "almost" was itself further fleshed out more fully by actively distinguishing from a position within the unified state into "acting twin states" [11] of pure trying and pure doing in interaction. The interaction [12] of these twin states captured awareness [13] into an acting "substance" [14] expressing thought [15]. Whew! A singularly complex mouthful!

How can I describe it more truly? I don't know really. All I can do is try. And that is what my website, Walking On Fire, and online journals are about - telling my story as best I can with the evolving tools that I have - a soul, intelligence, emotion, and the languages of words, music and art to share it through.

GENERAL REFLECTIONS ON MY PREINCARNATE MEMORIES

My remembering has looked in. It has looked out. It has seen (from Atzilut INTO before and) "before passing through" and surviving, a churning river of fire [16] able to annihilate being. It has seen from all-being [17] and non being [18], and looked back into both from the other side (sitra ahra), where this world (olam hazeh, עולם הזה), the previous world (tohu, תהו) and the world to come (olam haba, עולם הבא) are all one (le-atid leva, לעתיד לבא) "perfectly fit" together from some bright (tehiru tata'ah) and brilliant (tehiru ela'ah) future/time to come, some olam ha-malbush of splendors - a vision of this was also part of the closet experience when I was a little girl (see Epiphany).

The sense of intuitive "smell" [19] is that which connects and threads through both "this side" and "the other side", enabling ultimate re-unification. The soul who crosses the river of fire which separates them is uniquely marked [20] by the experience of crossing. The mark (brit milah) identifies the whole soul [21], and establishes an eternal connection between the two soul halves (male and female, "the other" and "this" sides), even though in the worlds of separation (Beriyah, Yetzirah and Assiyah), they appear as separate entities. How does it do this? With a cry that pierces through worlds.

Brit milah in the physical world (Assiyah) is a male passive (feminine) reflection (aur chozer) of the brit which is performed at the female active (masculine) projection (aur yasher) interfacing Atzilut and Beriyah. This interface "of purposeful female activity" creates a web of complexity in simplicity. The cluster of created complexity becomes a barrier (orlah) which prevents the female soul from returning to and recentering in Atzilut. Consequently, the essence of the orlah a male is physically born with reflects this purpose.

Removal of the orlah also has purpose. Brit milah is the mechanism by which the whole soul may ultimately overcome the barrier, enabling the male and female halves to reunite and re-enter Atzilut. However, the path of re-entry into Atzilut is through the gate (tarah/targum) of the physical world.

The female soul, whose essential inclination derives from the dark light of Ein Sof (Atzmut) which seeks to rest in thoughbare unity (she-ein bo machshavah) is therefore naturally drawn "back" toward the supernal realms. She is "called" into further incarnation and manifest existence (through Beriyah, Yetzirah and Assiayh) from the treasury of souls (in malchut of Atzilut, the keter of Beriyah) in response to the cry of pain arising from removal of the orlah.

The presence of the male soul in existence is sensed (a function of yirah) by the female soul. She responds to his cry of pain (a function of ahavah) by turning away from Atzilut and toward further incarnation by the drive (a function of emet) to find the male soul. I describe these actions in several of my poetic writings. The ability to recognize one's bashert [22] derives from the soul level of chayah (as does eternal remembering) and is a feminine function of Hod. Once she recognizes him, there is no other.

Some years ago, a few years following my return to Judaism and Torah as an adult, after not knowing (and yet holding it forever cherished and near) how to name this experience of "the river of fire" and "before/to come", I identified the river of fire that I passed through from all-being/not being into a level of constricted consciousness [23], in addition to being the Nahar Dinur, as also being the Shabbat river, the Sambatyon, as described in Jewish kabbalah (the mystical tradition of Torah). These rivers are The River Abraham and Sarah crossed and marks the passage of the soul from the world of Atzilut into the world of Beriyah, and apparent separation of the male soul from the female soul.

My remembering is circular-like [24]and linear-like [25]. When "regular" times become incorporated into the times of the brightening and the brilliance [26], this light permeates all existence retrospectively, filling it all in all "times". This action is described in the kabbalah as an action initiated by the Hebrew letter "vav", the conversive vav (the guarantor of redemption, vav hahipuch).

As it is written by David HaMelech "for a thousand years in your eyes are but a bygone yesterday." (Tehilim 90:4). Poetry I surely know too.

My memories have not been "recalled" following a state of "forgetting". It is hard to explain. I was born remembering and I have never forgotten. My preincarnate (and pre/perinatal) memories of nascent acting awareness are not ones I have recalled following some trauma or in consequence to hypnosis or some other psychological technique to induce memory. I have never been hypnotized. I don't use drugs. I don't have any psychotic syndrome. I do have autistic features to my personality.

I JUST REMEMBER and have guarded the memories throughout my life [27], having never forgotten the experience of seeing before being born. In kabbalah, there is a story (Niddah 30b) that every human being is shown his or her destiny and taught the whole of Torah while in the womb. At birth an angel allegedly flicks the babe on the mouth and extinguishes the "candle in the womb", making the babe forget all it was taught and all it saw. Ashkenazi communities ritually mourn this loss the shabbat night prior to the ritual of brit milah. This story speaks to my experience of remembering before I was born physically and before I was born "into" physicality. There are no angels in my memories. Only you and I. And then others we knew / know / will know.

It is all whole within me. Still. Waiting for words to describe it to be unlocked.

Footnotes & References:

[1] a function of the partzuf Imma Ila'ah of the Chayah soul level of Atzilut
[2] a function of da'at, having the powers of memory, concentration, connection and unification
[3] ra'oh, an apprehending vision of the future/existence perceived generally due to the interinclusion of free-will into the experience of pre-physical existence
[4] tzurah
[5] Atik Yomin
[6] mi-ratz hiyuli, formless "running" energy, from the verb root ritzeiyah, רציה
[7] a function of hod, having the power of perserverance
[8] chomer hiyuli, formless protomatter
[9] reshimu
[10] aretz, which is malchut of Atzilut, tiferet of Beriyah and keter of Yetzirah
[11] gulgalta-state, the origin of will and enclothing the chesed of Atik Yomin, and the mocha stima'ah-state, which is the power to generate new intelligence and to clarify reality, through the expression of chochmah of Arich Anpin and of gevurah of Atik Yomin
[12] a function of the Yechidah soul level of Ak, Adam Kadmon
[13] Dikna
[14] malchut, having the power of self-expression
[15] machshavah
[16] the shabbat river, the sambatyon; and the river dinur, nahar dinur
[17] Ein Sof, generated by the malchut of Echad and the power through which the brightening, tehiru tata'ah, and the brilliance, tehiru ela'ah
[18] Ein
[19] smelling, from the Hebrew word reiach, like the vapor of an unextinguished memory of wholeness, originating from the orot ozen-chotem-peh of Adam Kadmon
[20] an identifying brit marking its unique connection to the Torah unlike any other
[21] shlaimus, male and female together
[22] true predestined soul mate
[23] katnut, a constricted state of malchut, spoken of in stanza 7 of the liturgical shabbat poem Lecha Dodi, and made in order to enliven the worlds of Beriyah, Yetzirah and Assiyah
[24] looking in from surrounding and more directed - toward time -and around from a myriad of perspectives and foci
[25] looking through the eye of time from one end to the other, where time itself becomes incorporated into the "times" of existence I describe as the brightening and the brilliance in my writings
[26] a redemption which can occur for soulmates and collectively for the nation of Yisrael and universally for all nations and all creation, through the secret of intercalation, sod ha-ibbur
[27] shamor vezachor, relating to the concept of guarding the memory of one's bashert, where achieving unity with one's bashert is a secret of shabbat observance

crossposted to my livejournal in Ba'alat Teshuvah Story (a series of 17 posts describing some of my pre-incarnate and prenatal memories leading up to and including the story of my return to Torah as an adult)

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