Epiphany, In The Closet In 1967

and just as suddently, mashiach ben David will come b'hesech hada'at ...
Talmud, Sanhedrin 97a

kabbalistic poem
B'Hesech Ha'Da'at





in 1967 I was six and
something happened, in my closet
finding a mouse, dead
in the closet
not afraid of mice, beginning to pick it up, stopped by
its eyes, open
I could not stop looking
I could not stop wondering
at it
it meant something more
beyond what I was
seeing
this mouse
trapped
dead

looking at me
witnessing

what what what what
listening I
could not move
I could not move
all
my
thoughtsvavfeelingsvavquestionsvavanswers

vavmeanings
becoming being
mashing together, collapsing into my gut
then
a silence
cutting the bursting emptiness, when
eternity into a split mo-ment
percolating
then
a rush of
a whirlwind
bursting full
more than I could
ever understanding at once
coming out through my insides
surrounding filling
in the closet
trying
to hold this treasured possession
in my mind of edges
yet then
trusting and letting go
HaELeH going out
such a strange thing was this doing
I was doing
turning inside out
becoming being within
one of infinite place
above without end and below without bound

THE MONKEY TESTS

To trap a monkey, hunters will drill out a coconut, fill its innards with peanuts, yet leave a hole in the husk just big enough for a monkey to put its hand inside and grasp a handful of peanuts. Then, hunters will tie the coconut securely to a tree. The hole left in the husk of the coconut made by the hunters is not big enough for a monkey to remove its hand as it clenches a fistful of peanuts.

Hunters know that the coconut, tied tightly to a tree, cannot be dislodged by the struggle of any monkey against it. Neither will a monkey drop the clenched peanuts, thereby enabling it to remove its hand. Thus, a monkey can be effectively trapped and killed by hunters.

All because a monkey refuses to let go of the immediate good (peanuts, knowledge) for the promised good (life, ultimate redemption).

This monkey story is a story of being able to exit the PaRDeS in peace. In the event in my closet in 1967, there was a monkey test. In fact, there were two monkey tests - one to run and one to return.

The first one was before turning inside-out (where consciousness moved from a katnut state into a gadlut state). As "all" rushed out through me (still basically in katnut consciousness), the wondrousness of the knowledge tempted my mind to hold it within the mind. It was such a treasure. A treasure the mind wanted to keep. Only after letting it go, in all its splendor and beauty, did I turn inside outside and enter into kadmon consciousness.

The second instance where letting go by the mind was required was when coming down from kadmon consciousness, returning to a katnut state, and becoming recentered with the body. Again, the mind was tempted to retain within its borders all that it had been able to apprehend with kadmon consciousness. Again, letting go enabled the mind to safely cross the barrier which marked the transition between states of consciousness.

Why is it important to let go? I think that the act of letting go is the mechanism through which the Divine Will penetrates into and is enabled to itself act within the mundane physical world directly. It is not so much "going up", nor even all that one can apprehend there in that state (kadmon), that is important. Letting go releases the essential energy which drives unfolding of Divine Will into and within this lowest world. Also, holding on to great knowledge and bringing it down into the rational mind prior to preparation of the mind to receive it (shabbat consciousness) would have been catastrophic to an unprepared mind, which mine was, in 1967. This "letting go" of knowledge prior to its time represents rectification of the sin of the tree of knowlege.

The monkey test is like the mitzvah of the bird's nest - one can't prepare for it.

In 1967, I was six years old, entirely unprepared and unlearned. Yet, I let go. There was no time to think. There was nothing for me to understand in that time. There was only a promise and a question of trust. Yes or no?

Essential bitachon. An essential mitzvah. A mitzvah of the moment. No time to think. Only to react. That reaction comes from atzmut, the essence. As it must.

crossposted to my livejournal in Ba'alat Teshuvah Story (a series of 17 posts describing some of my pre-incarnate and prenatal memories leading up to and including the story of my return to Torah as an adult)

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