Wrestling with Destiny

כ״ה באייר תשע"א
Mab 27

Last night I dreamt. I wrestled with a giant spider. I won the wrestling match, and the giant spider, retreating, conceded the match to me.

Spider is a shamanic totem who embodies all the infinite possibilities into which reality may unfold the future. Spider teaches us to take responsibility for our choices and actions, all of which come together, in the present from the past, to wyrdly weave what will become. Those who fail to take responsibility for their choices and actions, and those who refuse to learn the lessons provided by the past, become entangled in Spider's web and a seemingly unchangeable reality. Those who work the force of Wyrd actively and consciously participate in creating Creation.

Cool dream.

Safe House III - The Bird's Nest

כ״ג באייר תשע"א
Mab 25

In follow-up to my previous two safe house dreams (I and II), yesterday nature added another voice on the matter as well. A pair of robins began building a bird's nest over the porch light where I live. Today the nest is complete and has the rounded cup form (on top of the porch light lid) of a typical nest. It seems this family of robins think I live in a safe house too, so they are making their home over the porch light right by the back door. Even our frequent going in and out of this much used door has not deterred them from building their nest over the back porch light.

Perhaps the black goddess (known as Sara-la-Kali~Sara by the Gypsies), who is intimately involved with weather magic and nature, and whose sacred pilgrimage to the sea occurred on May 24th (perhaps when the water of the sea was released as I subsequently dreamt in the May 25th Safe House dream), called out to them as well and told these two robins to build their Safe Nest on my home.

Clearly, no coincidence. The Divine in both it's male (the bird's nest connection) and female aspects (the sea/ocean/weather/nature connection) is involved in this matter of my dreams and the link of my dreams to natural occurrences.

Also in related note, the evening of the 24th (the night of the black goddess Gypsy pilgrimage to the sea and the night before the 25th dream) I was having a problem getting to sleep due to coming and going twisting muscle 'chest pains' (not usual for me) which were ultimately relieved only by taking stress-relieving Lorazepam (as I had discussed with a friend of mine the next morning). About 1/2 hour after taking the Lorazepam, I felt a 'pop' (in correspondence to the dam 'breaking' in my subsequent Safe House dream that very night) in my chest which immediately relieved all the tenseness in my body, including the chest pains. The sudden popping relief of stress and the subsequent pain relief which rushed over my body like water are relevant to my recent dreams and actual happenings of nature.

Safe House II - The Pardes Parable

כ״ג באייר תשע"א
Mab 25

Early last week I dreamt of the beginnings of a flood and my escape to my safe house. Last night, I had another flood dream:

I was at home with my family. It was raining heavily outside. From inside the house, I heard the sound of something like a dam breaking outside. Suddenly, oceans of water came flooding the land outside from the south. Our entire house was engulfed underwater like being at the bottom of an ocean. But miraculously, no water came into the house and the house stood firm upon its foundations, not moving or buckling at all as it was completely covered over by the rushing waters. We rode out the deluge in peace, safely tucked away inside our home.

When the waters subsided, we went outside. Everything around us looked like the area of Joplin Missouri where a recent monster tornado destroyed neighborhoods for as far as the eye could see. Everything around our house had been similarly destroyed - everything that is but our yard and our house. Ours alone came out as it had entered.

As soon as I wrote the last line above describing my dream, it struck me that this is exactly how it is described in the story about the four who entered the mystical Pardes, where Rabbi Akiva exited as he had entered - in peace. Interestingly, water, like in my flood dreams, is an important element in the Pardes parable as well.

The Inverted Seal

י״ג באייר תשע"א
Mab 15

While I dreamt of a flood two nights ago, last night I dreamt this:

I and another female college student were early to the library-like place where students worked on assignments. We had tablet PCs on which we worked. I set up my tablet PC in the area to the left (as one faced the low bar-like bench-like work table) of the other student. Her work area was about a seat or two away from mine, to my right as I faced the work area.

I sat down and set up my tablet PC (sort of like how mine sets up in real life) to do my school work, except that the case which housed it was made of some kind of hard wood and it had a back flap that set and stood up behind it (like a standing clipboard might hold up a reading paper for easy keyboarding) which displayed (like a paper lace cut-out might) the Hebrew aleph-beit (alphabet) in a row of letters. The aleph-beit was formed of letters where the outlining lines of the letters cut completely through the wood, but the solid portions of the letters themselves didn't fall out. I can't describe this any more because in real life, it wouldn't physically be possible to set up and exist as it did in my dream. Light shone out through the lines of the letters.

Both my PC and the other student's PC had this wood cut-out feature with the Hebrew letters - the feature came on all the PCs issued to students in this school. Mine was different from hers though - her letters looked normal (from my perspective, at least). My letters were upside down, inverted. At first, I thought I had set up my tablet PC wrong, but when I rearranged the flap with the letters inscribed through it, I saw that I had set it up right - the letters in my tablet PC, unlike the student's near me and all the other students' normal tablet PCs, mine had just been made this unusual way - all of my Hebrew letters were inverted. Inscribed clear through the wood, neither they nor the flap into which they were cut could be rearranged to make the letters like the arrangement on all the other students' PCs.

I have the tablet PC that I have - with inverted Hebrew letters - and it's the tablet PC I have been issued for the work. I accepted to work with the tool I have.

I woke up.

Safe House

י״ג באייר תשע"א
Mab 15

A friend of mine may be right - it is all for good. I was angry that I was fired from my most recent job for apparently no good reason (again), but given the dream I had the night before last, Providence may have arranged my dismissal to keep me safe. My dream -

I was out in an open field somewhere near but not in the area of my own home. The area of the field was flooding, and all the field except where I was standing was deeply under the flooding waters. Soon, where I was standing would also be flooded, so I needed to leave and find my way home. The only problem was that all around me the field was flooded and the land lay beneath deeply flooding waters.

Suddenly, I saw my path - in the place where I had stepped out into the flood waters lay a securely firm land bridge. The land bridge rose up to just beneath the surface of the flood waters so that unless one was looking down from right above it, it could not be seen. It was just beneath the surface also, so that the waters which covered it only covered over the top of one's foot. The waters which hid it from normal view were not deep at all and were safe to walk through. Standing on the land bar, I could see that the land bar bridged my entire way across the deeply flooded field.

I walked on it toward my own home. On the way, there was another house I came upon. It was in process of being flooded - I could see that the doorway into it was immersed in the waters of the flood halfway up, as was the house itself. My children were inside visiting. I had to go inside and retrieve them and take them home with me, to our safe house. I opened the door, careful to keep the flood waters from rushing inside - not sure how I did it, but I opened the door in such a way that the flood waters were not allowed inside as I completed my business there.

I went inside. The house was full of people partying. I searched for my children among the crowd and throughout the rooms of the house. There is a flood coming outside I told people, but they went about their business of partying and didn't listen to me. I retrieved my children and we left the house that would soon be overrun by the full strength of the flood waters, stepping again, my children with me now, upon the safety of the land bridge running toward home, heading home to our own home safely sitting outside of the place of the flood.

I woke up.

My Last Day At Work

י״א באייר תשע"א
Mab 13

For those of you who don't yet know, I was fired (again) from my job on Friday. This is a walk through my last day at work.

In the morning, walking into the building and back to my office at the back of the building, I said "good morning" to everyone, staff and residents alike, I passed on my way. This is my morning ritual since usually during the day I am so focused and tunnel visioned that I often don't have time to chat or speak much to people. There are typically two particular residents who are among this group every work day - they smile when I walk through the double doors in the morning, saying sometimes "howdy-do" and "good morning" to me before I can get it out first.

After getting my purse settled and calendar out for the day in my office, I went back out to the nursing unit to gather up some information kept at the nursing station - heading back to my office following doing this, one sweet lady resident motioned for me to come over. I did. She was smiling, with tears welling up in her eyes - she said to me "you are the one who gave me the dreamcatcher, aren't you?" She was trying hard to hold on to the memory of it. "Yes, I am," I said. She said, "it is so beautiful" and she asked if it was handmade. I told her that yes, it was handmade by a Cherokee artist (she herself is proud of her Cherokee heritage). She reached out and I took her hand. She squeezed my hand.

Later that morning, one of the corporate nurses called and was upset with me because I had made corrections on legal clinical regulatory documents before signing them off as complete with the authority of my professional license. My understanding of a regulatory requirement governing the signing of these documents differed from her understanding of it, and during our discussion, when I tried to explain the rationale for my position, she cut me off saying, "NOW you be quiet and LISTEN to me, I AM TALKING TO YOU NOW." She didn't want to hear what I had to say and spoke to me as if I was a child in kindergarten and not a professional nurse certified by the national professional nursing organization (American Association of Nurse Assessment Coordinators) for this area of nursing specialization as knowledgeable in the area under discussion. I listened to her as she spoke. When she was finished, I again tried to explain the rationale supporting and forming the basis of my position - she hung up the phone on me in the middle of my attempted explanation.

Since I am AANAC trained and certified regarding the regulation under dispute, I could not claim ignorance as to how the regulation is to be understood and just agree to understand it the wrong way because, in her words, "she has been doing this for twenty years and I (she) know (knows) how it is to be done" and her way of understanding is not wrong (according to her) and if she was wrong "don't you think state would have pointed this out to us it already?" (Is she kidding that because clinically focused state surveyors haven't noticed it yet that this supports her as being right? Scary thought, but I didn't say it out loud. I suppose it makes sense - NOT - to let State be the one responsible to find your errors for you before you do. Just like it made sense, that until I came, no one there knew we were supposed to do an OMRA (Other Medicare Required Assessment) for residents who were no longer receiving therapy yet who were being held on Medicare A for skilled nursing services - my assistant didn't even know what an OMRA was - trained by the corporate nurses, she had never been taught anything at all about them or that an OMRA even existed as an assessment that needed to be scheduled in some specific situations. (Facilities are required to do this OMRA assessment solely because Medicare doesn't want to continue paying a high daily reimbursement rate for rehab services when a resident is no longer receiving rehab services.) And just like, before I came, their computer system was failing to capture the short-stay assessment code - which functions to pro-rate rehab based reimbursement levels - the failure to capture this code resulting in the loss of alot of money for the facility over the period beginning last October 1 through the time when I found the error and got it fixed when our MDS Office called the software company who downloaded some files for us to correct the problem. I shudder to think what will happen when this facility's turn comes up to be RAC audited, since the corporate nurse thinks the state is on top of MDS coding dates and all is well. Clinical quality focused state surveyors aren't on top of nonclinical MDS regulations, but assuredly, reimbursement focused RAC surveyors will be.)

She called back about 15 or so minutes later. I respectfully disagreed with and maintained a professional tone with her throughout it all, suggesting several times that the solution was for some other nurse who felt comfortable with her way of understanding the requirement (like herself, for instance) to sign off on past documents done this way (since she didn't want me to make the correction I felt I needed to make before signing current documents which had been prepared by my assistant as she had been taught to do by the corporate nurse according to the corporate nurse's understanding) and in the future, I would sign off on documents dated according to my understanding as to how it is to be done. She agreed that we would do this (since she could not indeed dispute that my way was incorrect as I could hers). I thought we had agreed anyway. She said she agreed with this solution. I was also pleased with myself that I had done the job I believed I was hired to do - contribute my expertise to upgrade existing MDS processes at the facility and for the organization.

This corporate nurse then faxed me a page from the RAI manual with underlined points which she considered to be supportive of her understanding (the points she underlined did not speak directly to the point of dispute at all - how early the documents could be signed off by the responsible RN as fully complete - her underlined points spoke to how late the documents could be signed, which was not the date under dispute). On the fax, addressed to both myself and my assistant, she wrote that I should contact her if I had any more questions or concerns. I faxed back my response reiterating my position (that I could sign off with my professional authority on a final MDS completion date no earlier than the date after the final date of clinical observation (called the ARD or Assessment Reference Date) - thus making the earliest date I could sign off to be at least one day after the final date of observation, because you can't complete the data summary document until the period of clinical nursing observation ends - which runs through 11:59 PM on the last date of observation) and I myself had underlined and highlighted the portions of the page she had faxed initially which stated that the period of observation runs through 11:59 PM of the last day of clinical observation (implying that the period of observation is not over until 12:00 AM on the date following the last date of clinical observation (a fact which clearly supports my understanding of the regulation and does not support her understanding of the regulation, where she understands that is perfectly okay to sign off on the last day/date of clinical observation itself which itself remains squarely within the period of clinical observation). I called her cell phone (as she had instructed me to do if I had any further concerns) and left a message that I had faxed her back my response to the information she had sent and summarized what I had written/highlighted on the paper in the phone message in case she wasn't near her fax machine.

As I had walked back from the front office where I used the fax machine, a kind gentlemanly resident motioned for me to stop a minute. From his wheelchair, he was smiling up at me and with a chuckle he said, "why does a beautiful woman like you always wear black?" I smiled and chuckled back at him, explaining to him it was part of my spiritual practice. We exchanged a few friendly brief bantering words, as I hugged him (through my hand gently squeezing his shoulder), and then I walked back to my office leaving him with a sweet smile on face.

Back at my office, this corporate nurse called me back and we rehashed the previous discussion. At the conclusion, we agreed as before - that another nurse comfortable with signing off according to her understanding would sign off on past documents, and future documents would be prepared and signed off according to my understanding, since I would be the RN responsible for signing them, and since it would be under the authority of my professional license which the documents were completed, and since my way of understanding was not disputable nor incorrect.

After this, I went out to gather some data. As I was gathering data, the assistant administrator walked up to me, indicating that she and the administrator needed to speak with me in the administrator's office. In the administrator's office, I was concisely informed that a decision had been made that I "am not fit for the organization and therefore your (my) employment is terminated, effective immediately." I simply said, "ok,", walked out of her office, gathered my things, and turned in my keys.

Simply, wow. I can't honestly claim that I didn't expect something like this to happen - been down this road before.

Goddess Touched

י׳ באייר תשע"א
Mab 12

Hey! Hey! Another good thing (along with the good words from my friends) raises up my spirits today - my artisan handcrafted natural Blackthorn wand came today! Long associated with the Dark Crone aspect of Goddess and the sacred witches' Sabbat of Samhain, mystical Blackthorn works to release emotional toxins, clear the mind of baneful energies, break through the veil seemingly separating the physical and spiritual worlds, and reveal in unity the seen with the unseen.

The wood from which my Blackthorn wand was created was harvested from a large hedgerow in the Legendary Isle of Avalon, which is now the present day town of Glastonbury, England. The artist who crafted this exquisite wand has an ancient standing stone circle on her property inside which she cleansed and charged my wand under the light of the Full Moon. Entirely handcrafted, into the wood of the wand's handle is carved the magical Ogham letter straif (Gaelic/Irish for Blackthorn).

My blackthorn wand measures 16 1/2 inches in length and about 3/4 inch at the base.

I love my beautiful Blackthorn wand!

All Evil

It is absolutely true, I can't fix all evil.

Dark Torah

from the mind inscribed before time in a dreamlike primeval existence
before my life began, at your side, I loved you
set before seeing, witnessing the violent play of creation
rising jagged with twisting thorns ascending toward there
wild and fierce the bloody storm from below, a churning pit of cold fire and coal
dripping with pain torn from earth, cutting edges
raging from a lawless horror, a terror untamed upon the earth
spreading as a plague coming near with powerful fury, iterating screams
reverberating with dysrhythm, the battering melody shattering the noise of silence
in agony melding together, into a cyclone of spiraling shrill despair
hopeless, the sound of an inky blackness, line upon line writing
a writhing scroll, twisted with affliction, death and blood everywhere
below the colorlessness of the sanctuary where I stood, immobile in the sight
testifying, not forgotten, revealing some wordless cry of terror
embedding beyond the throat, becoming chained in the belly
burning my world, descending into the hallowed depths of my heart
with no way to restrain it, its direction of attraction
toward me the knife came to cut
please see me! I am here! I cried without sound - to you as you watched it climb up
as you watched it climb up with some curious, strange fascination
not seeing me, or disregarded, either way, outside your direction of attention
as the rabid destruction erupted up the wall, and all I could do to escape the blade
becoming broken, I turned away, pulling myself in ... only to be thown away
thrown down, as a coarse grain into the only history I ever knew, and I know
what you did, throwing me down to be ripped apart, for those who would destroy me
why do you hate me - still you don't see me, you don't hear me, and you don't care
try as I might to rewrite the story, I cannot forget the truth
and some things can never be fixed

Thread of Connection

כ״ח בניסן תשע"א
Annwyn 30

After dreaming that four Israelis came to the US from Israel to escort me to Israel, I woke up to the news of Osama bin Laden's death and burial at sea.

According to DovBear, around midnight, as Israel started to wake up, some Twitterers started "giving all credit to the Israeli military."

So, last night was an interesting night.