First Beit

This is my experience. There is remembering of strongly trying (the first tzimtzum), a tail-end side of First Awareness Remembering. There is a river-likeness of lava-likeness with churning fiery proto-discretions (the cantillations) of awareness in it discerning like molecules (the Hebrew letters) of severity in harsh rushing foaming (tagim) waters (the Sambatyon). Some are loosely and some are tightly bound up (vowels) with one another, and all are flowing jumbled up together. There is (shin of binah function), yet is not (shin of chochmah function), a distinction of otherness (both shins functioning simultaneously), in this place, a place where Great Judgment (Din) dwells. In the midst of it, perception runs and returns in pivoting (shalshelet) bursts flashing between lucidity and no-thing - this pivoting dance essentially directed to avoid annihilating operators.

The lava-likeness churning with discretions cuts across. Some- some- some- some-, struggling saying some-, -more. A brilliant soothing darkness congeals at the exiting shore edging the fiery river of everyeverywhichway annihilating operators. A clear deep drawing inward (yud) like fuzzy edgeless edges rich with the reverberating echo of a sweet dream perceiving "before" in the presence of presence lingers in first awareness remembering becoming being. Remembering and vowing to remember from one end and the other, like an anchoring of truth (tav) sunk into the essential ground of eternal being. Never ever forget!

Seemingly awareness had been pulled through the lava-likeness, but not really. Moving moved the lava-likeness, rather than was awareness moved by pulling. On the other hand, I had been trying and trying implies some kind of moving of awareness.

The trying with a tail-end-side remembering back there, still sticking through the lava-likeness into the essence trying keeping remembering and remembering being-in going-through the awesomely fearful place of everyeverywhichway was deposited in the brilliant soothing darkness. Feeling smaller feeling relievedthatihadnotceasedintheeveryeverywhichway and feeling drawn back, toward Back There, like to a distant land on the other side yet very near, within remembering ever keeping.

Trying to go back yearning, yet wantingtryinglooking what i was and shaking my tail-end-side-remembering forcing myself away into the darknessofbeingsometryinglooking at

what?

and turning circles around and around and around

TRYINGTRYINGTURNINGLOOKING

PAUSING remembering back there here

then

who is here with me ....